Twenty Times A Day

Ethel Cain “Vacillator”

“Vacillator” sounds a bit like a more glacial version of Cowboy Junkies – soft, hyper-feminine, and romantic, but also sooooo sloooooow and zoned out it borders on feeling dissociative. Ethel Cain’s lyrics are overtly seductive and alluring through the middle section of the song, but the emotional context emerges with a knife-twist in the extended outro: “if you love me, keep it to yourself.” It’s such plain language, but it’s open to a lot of interpretation. Is she ashamed to be attracted to this person, or is it more of a warning to them about what may happen if people find out they’re having sex with a trans woman? Is she discouraging a feeling she knows she can’t reciprocate? Is being loved too much for her to bear? There’s so much angst and shame swirling around in this song, but the lust and romance is still the overpowering feeling.

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