The Songs To See You Through

The Smashing Pumpkins “Luna”

The liner notes for the new CD reissue of Siamese Dream includes comments from Billy Corgan about each of the songs on the album. They’re pretty interesting for the most part. For example, “Geek USA,” a song that features the best lyrics of Corgan’s career by a great distance, is dismissed as “Dadaist” gibberish. “Sweet Sweet” is apparently about a hobo. The bit that I found unexpectedly moving was his words about “Luna,” a song I have loved for most of my life but have never paid much close attention. Corgan all but spells out that the song is about Courtney Love, his on-and-off lover for much of the early 90s. “I am in love with someone that doesn’t love me,” he says of his state of mind at the time it was written. “My songs are better than hers,” he says, getting in a passive-aggressive jab that also serves to clarify that he wasn’t talking about his wife from the Siamese era.

There’s something about the Billy/Courtney dynamic that just kills me. Or, really, the Billy/Kurt dynamic. Think of this from Corgan’s perspective: You’re going through life convinced that you’re a visionary rock genius, and you know what? You basically are. But this other guy comes along, and not only does he steal all of your thunder, but he gets your girl too. And then, a few years later, he dies. He’s frozen in time, perfect forever, while you have to fumble through all the ups and downs that go along with carrying on and living. And no matter what you do, you can’t escape this guy. As far as the world is concerned, there is no context for your achievements without him. That is so sad and unfair! No wonder he is how he is.

It had never dawned on me to listen to “Luna” as a song of unrequited love. The “I’m in love with you” part at the end always seemed so confident to me, but now it just sounds defiant, as though he doesn’t need the feeling to be returned to know that he’s speaking the truth. The rest of the lyrics snap into place — the uncertainty, the promises, the risks. “I go along just because I’m lazy, I go along to be with you.” It’s a feeling that doesn’t hurt in the moment – you really believe it at the time – but in retrospect, it’s so crushing: The time, the love, the parts of yourself you give up in pursuit of something you can’t ever really have.

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