To Keep It Comfortable, I Close My Eyes

Hanne Hukkelberg “In Here/Out There”

I’m not a panic attack sort of person, and I’m very grateful for that. I feel like I’m at a fairly even keel most of the time, and though I have my fair share of anxieties, they tend not to be overwhelming or disruptive. However, there are rare days when they are very disruptive, and I feel like a mess; like I’m not even myself. This is how it was for me yesterday. I’m not going to play dumb and say that there was no good reason for me to feel freaked out — I could make a small list — but the scale of that angst was suddenly, inexplicably much greater than normal, and difficult to shake.

A lot of music sounded awful in this state. I listened to PJ Harvey for a while, and though that felt right, it only seemed to escalate the intensity of my emotions. I had to stop with that. The new St. Vincent album, which I listen to quite a bit lately, felt right but took on a much darker tone than I’d previously noticed. Animal Collective’s Merriweather Post Pavilion and James Rabbit’s Perfect Waves had a slightly pacifying effect, but didn’t quite resonate.

As I slowly came out of this feeling, I heard “In Here/Out There” by Hanne Hukkelberg, and I identified with it immediately. It’s not quite soothing — it’s slow, but rather nervous and twitchy — but it provides some measure of solace and commiseration, in part because Hukkelberg is singing about trying to get through fear and anxiety. Better still, as the song reaches its climax, it builds toward a final moment when all the pressure seems to disappear. Close your eyes, breathe steadily, loosen your body and…..it’s over. Just like that.

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