Archive for 2005

I Realize That I Hate The Sound Of Guitars

Fugazi “Target” – This song is ten years old now. When I bought this record, I was sixteen and the lyrics justified a lot of my snobbishness. Now I’m 26, and to a certain extent, this song describes my career. Forcing silence, sucking sound, forced into your conversation. Actually, it’s more like the argument that I’m having in my head every day lately. What is this thing that keeps us from making it, oiling like crime? Morality, pride, fear, laziness? I don’t know, but I swear to God, today’s thread title rings very true in my heart right now, with all the added irony of the fact that this is very much a song with guitars. But guitars as iconography, guitars as cultural shorthand, guitars as artistic crutch – ugh, ugh, ugh. (Click here to buy it from Dischord.)

Sorry to be posting so many one-song entries, and songs that you probably already know. I want to get back to posting good ol’ “Fluxpop” music, but I just can’t seem to find any, and people sure as hell aren’t sending me any.

Their Love Is Only A Fraction Of What I Can Give To You

The White Stripes @ Keyspan Park 9/24/2005
Black Math / Blue Orchid / Dead Leaves & The Dirty Ground – Passive Manipulation – Dead Leaves (reprise) / Jolene / My Doorbell / Cannon – John The Revelator – Passive Manipulation – Screwdriver / The Nurse / Forever For Her (Is Over For Me) / Death Letter / Hotel Yorba / The Hardest Button To Button / I Think I Smell A Rat (Jack integrates a bit of Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” – “this shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s”) / Walking With A Ghost (Tegan & Sara cover) / Ball & Biscuit (snippet) – Hello Operator / The Union Forever // I’m Lonely (But I Ain’t That Lonely Yet) / Red Rain / In The Cold, Cold Night / Let’s Shake Hands / We’re Going To Be Friends / Little Ghost / Ball & Biscuit (full version) / Seven Nation Army / Boll Weevil

The White Stripes “Forever For Her (Is Over For Me)” – It’s going to be interesting to see how that next Kenny Chesney album turns out, huh? Then we get to know whether Jack White is a bitter drama queen, or if Renee Zellweger is a HORRIBLE SHREW WHO DESTROYS LIVES. Or, ha, a HORRIBLE SHREW WHO DESTROYS THE LIVES OF BITTER DRAMA QUEENS. And if that’s the case, then maybe she should be commended for performing a public service, especially since she has clearly drawn out some perverse extremes in Jack White’s songwriting, as his gallant front crumbles into wounded pride, paranoia, and undiluted spite. It’s sort of compelling to see the guy fall apart emotionally on record at the height of his powers, playing the role of the preening exhibitionist at the precise moment when his audience would most like to be voyeurs.

In terms of setlist, performance, venue and visual presentation (I wish that I had a good picture of their set design, because it’s brilliant), this was by far the best White Stripes show that I’ve seen, though I have to say, the experience was diminished greatly by getting stuck next to the lone patch of violent moshing frat thugs, and then after my friend and I made our retreat from them, a duo of middle-aged morons who would not stop gabbing through the quiet songs in the second set. (The shlubby guidance counsellor-looking dude had to keep telling his Flo-the-waitress-looking date that “I’m Lonely (But I Ain’t That Lonely Yet)” was “like an old blues song,” presumably trying to impress her with his VAST musical knowledge.) I suppose that it’s interesting to see how the band’s fanbase has now extended well beyond that of their mellow, polite indie rock base, but you know what? I don’t care. Rudeness is rudeness is rudeness, and that fist-flailing crazy eyed motherfucker to my right for half of the show had me worrying about getting a stray punch in the eye when I should have been happily bopping along to “My Doorbell.” (Click here to buy it from Amazon.)

I Love You Both, I Love You Both!

Stratageme “Scripts” – Stratageme’s 18 year old mastermind David Vine has a natural gift for blending the dynamics of emocore and laptop electronica, crafting tracks that push and pull between post-grunge guitar tones and shimmering keyboard textures while making the transitions seem organic and logical in a way very few of his peers can manage. Like the best of the band’s material, “Scripts” never stops moving, shifting from section to section like a film cutting from scene to scene, occasionally allowing for pensive pauses before dramatically zooming ahead for intense Sunny Day Real Estate-esque guitar riffs. (Click here for the official Stratageme site.)

Kill Me Tomorrow and Dance Disaster Movement “Beautiful Guns” – This track is relentlessly tense and nervey, like having a splitting headache and a cramped stomach at once. It’s a creepy, uncomfortable song, but it’s very successful at evoking an unwell state. I realize that I’m not making this sound like a very good time, but obviously, not all art is meant to be fun. (Click here to buy it from Tone Vendor.)

Do Your Best To Run Away

Simian “La Breeze” – It’s hardly a shock to see a sticker on the cover of this single proclaiming that it was recently featured in some French tv ad. This is exactly the sort of pop song that doubles nicely as a jingle, as the focus of the entire track is placed on this quick hook that embeds itself in your mind upon first contact and sets up shop there until some stronger strain of song evicts it at a later date. The rest of the song builds up towards that moment of bliss, teasing you with false starts, odd tangents, and bridges that coo “here it comes, here it comes, here it comes!” before dropping you back into the chorus like a rollercoaster suddenly woooshing down the incline. (Click here to buy it from Juno.)

Donna Regina “Little Baby” – If Spiritualized’s Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space was recorded by a woman overcome with maternal love rather than a despondent junkie, I imagine that it would be a lot like this track. Interestingly, both subjects are rather ideally suited to the same musical setting. (Click here to pre-order it from Boomkat.)

Look At You, The Wide-Eyed Ingenue

Liz Phair “Stars and Planets” – Surely Liz Phair’s new album must be Somebody’s Miracle, but I have a hard time imagining who that lucky person could be. Most of the record sounds like Phair slowly backing herself out of the corner she painted herself into on her previous album, clearly making some half-hearted attempt to lure back the people who screamed “0.0!” by ditching the Matrix and toning down the lyrical audacity, but obviously unwilling to make a full retreat from a commercial sound for fear of seeming cowardly. Understandably so – I definitely believe that Phair wanted to make that glossy self-titled album, and though a quick “return to form” would have satisfied critics and her core audience, it would have forever relegated that album to the status of oddity/misstep, and I think she’d rather not have to look like a person who second-guessed the bravest (though maybe not best…) artistic decision she’s ever made.

The songs mainly fall into two categories – aggressively tasteful AAA ballads that are pretty enough but lack the color and gravity of Liz classics like “Perfect World,” “Nashville,” and “Explain It To Me,” and up-tempo rockers with super-clean bar rock arrangements that don’t quite gel with her trademark low monotone cool-girl affectation. This is a problem, since in its own way this record is more alienating than Liz Phair, because there’s not much to offer fans of sparkly pop songs like “Why Can’t I?,” “Extraordinary,” and “Rock Me,” much less the people who adored the Liz of the first three records.

“Stars and Planets” is an obvious highlight from the record, falling someplace between poppy early 90s fare like Belly, Velocity Girl, and Julianna Hatfield, the Sesame Street theme, and John Lennon’s “Instant Karma.” I would’ve loved for all of Somebody’s Miracle to sound as bright and optimistic as this number, but unfortunately the mood of the record comes off about as emotionally neutral as it musically indecisive. Still, that song along with a few others continue to provide me with faith in Phair, and the hope that she’ll come around to figuring it all out before too long. Maybe it’s the next record, it could be two or three down the line. I’m patient, and certainly willing to enjoy the good bits that come along the way. (Click here to pre-order it from Amazon.)

I’ve Made A Tiny Huge Mistake

Giant Drag “YFLMD” – The title is an acronym for “you fuck like my dad.” It’s one of the creepiest kiss-offs I’ve ever heard in a pop song, hands down, though Annie Hardy never actually sings those exact words. The song comes from the same family line as the more aggressive songs from PJ Harvey’s To Bring You My Love, but it’s no cheap knock off. There’s one particularly great lead guitar line that comes after the line “you and your gun…” and before “you’re just like my father” that lingers uncomfortably and makes you feel those ellipses like you’re waiting to get a kick in the face. (Click here to buy it from Amazon.)

Eventually This Future’s Gonna Swallow You

Chad VanGaalen @ Bowery Ballroom, 9/17/2005
I Miss You Like I Miss You / Wind Dogs / Echo Train / Dancing In The Dark / I Wake Up / Blood Machine / After The Afterlife / Clinically Dead / Somewhere I Know There Is Nothing / Graveyard

Chad VanGaalen “Echo Train” – At a time when the shrug and/or cringe-inducing Devendras, Obersts, Iron & Wines, and Sufjans of the world are flourishing, it’s just my luck that the one indie troubadour that I’m fond of is the one who is met with widespread critical indifference and lukewarm sales. I’m out of step with the needs of the indie nation. Or maybe it’s just not the right time for this record. Infiniheart is a lonely, morbid album that sounds like Neil Young shivvering with a 4-track on the tundra. These are not summer jams. This is barely even music for the autumn. But that didn’t matter at the Bowery Ballroom, as a handful of eager fans crowded the front of the stage and Chad played about a third of the record along with some strong new tunes and a lean, spirited cover of Springsteen’s “Dancing In The Dark” that made me recognize the Bruce-isms in the rest of the material for the first time. (Click here to buy it from Sub Pop.)

Holopaw “3-Shy-Cubs” – Holopaw were a pleasant surprise in a live setting. Much of Quit +/Or Fight! is almost too cozy for its own good, even if their clever rhythm section keeps things from getting too hazy and predictable. Led by a charismatic vocalist who looks absolutely nothing at all like how you might guess (picture an older, craggier version of Michael Stipe after a career in the Marines), their songs snapped and popped full of life, even the ones with excessive drowsy lap steel. (Click here to buy it from Sub Pop.)

ALSO: Please go off and read my longform interview with Carl Newman from the New Pornographers. It’s my very first feature for Pitchfork!

Where’s The Damn Elephants?

Sonic Youth “Goo Interview” – In this bizarro promotional recording, a thoroughly baked Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon explain their songs on the Goo album while clips from the record play behind them. The word “interview” is a total misnomer, since it’s just them and they don’t seem to be answering any kind of questions, just providing liner note details in a quasi-poetic sort of way. It’s kind of like what you might get if you dialed up a Sonic Youth phone sex hotline. (Click here to buy it from Amazon.)

Gwen Stefani “Cool (RICHARD X Remix)” – This remix is nothing too radical, it’s just like the song with a new haircut. Richard X plays up the romance and the mid-period Madonna-ness of the original version, but adds an extra layer of coolness, so to speak. The character is cool (okay) with her situation with her ex-boyfriend, but there’s an icy remove, a distance that they’ve both imposed to keep themselves feeling that way. This is much better than the massively disappointing Richard X Photek remix of the same song, by the way. I was so excited for that, but it just seems like he slapped the vocal on top of a weak sub-Bravery punk-funk track without any regard for the dynamics and structure of the a cappella track. (The iTunes music store screwed up the credits, leading to this mix-up. Please fix your mp3 file info accordingly.) (Click here to buy it from Amazon.)

Ice Melting On Jehovah

The Fall “Midnight Aspen” – This track from the forthcoming album Fall Heads Roll finds Mark E. Smith in an uncommonly pensive mood. In fact, it’s one of the few songs in the entire Fall catalog that I would describe as being “soothing.” Smith keeps his vocals sedate and minimal, wisely keeping the emphasis of the track on the melodies of the instrumental, allowing the music to set the scene while his lyrics provide context and detail. (Click here to pre-order it from Amazon.)

I’m Sorry To Say It, But Sometimes I Think We Have To Force It

GoGoGo Airheart “Rats” -This is certainly one of the more peculiar arrangements that I’ve encountered recently – some guy doing a Bowie impression, distant tinkly piano, way-up-in-the-mix percussion that distorts awkwardly on the kick drum, and a wild R2-D2 solo. It all comes together a lot better than one might reasonably expect, and surprising affecting for a song that spends most of its time insisting that we let rats sing. (Click here to pre-order it from Amazon.)

Barr “Like, I Used To Like” – And somehow, this track seems far less normal. It’s like hip hop reimagined by white theatre majors preoccupied with art and therapy. It’s not the easiest thing in the world to listen to, but please do stick it out through the end to hear a puzzling and funny moment as a young man attempts to tell his bemused father a cringe-inducingly awkward therapy joke. It’s like Woody Allen, I guess, but not really at all. (Click here to buy it from Buy Olympia.)

If You Pull Me Apart, Don’t Swallow My Heart

Magnetophone “…And May Your Last Words Be A Chance To Make Things Better” – God, this song is like love dying in slow motion, extending every gutting moment until it just kills. And it’s so pretty! I’m not sure if this is a good song to hear if you’re involved in some kind of break up, because this could just put you over the edge, you know? (Click here for the Magnetophone site at 4AD.)

Starlight Mints “Submarine #3” – This song is a weird stew of mixed emotions, vacillating from joy to resignation to stomach-churning doubt from moment to moment. It’s rough and uneasy and a little like having emotional seasickness, so hey, the nautical theme works. All the guy wants is a bit of mercy, to dull the pain of the inevitable. He’s a lovelorn Billy Batson (“Holy Shazam!”) waiting for the other shoe to drop. (Click here to buy it from Amazon.)

Until Then, I’ll Make My Little Noise

Scout Niblett “Where Are You?” – It starts off like a fairly normal indie/grunge ballad, which is fine enough, but it really hits hard once it slows down to a crawl and you’ve got no choice but to hang on every syllable and note. The negative space is filled with nervous anticipation, and each moment seems invested with worlds of meaning. (Click here to buy it from Amazon.)

Sun Ra “We’ll Wait For You” – I was thinking for a while that this would be a great final song for Fluxblog, this sort of optimistic goodbye from the future, but whatever, I’m just going to post it now, because I have no idea how long I’ll have to wait til that time comes around. I know that some people find the vocals on this track corny at best or cringe-inducing at worst, but I think it’s rather beautiful, both in terms of sentiment, and in how it relates to the rest of the composition. The moog being played by Sun Ra on this recording sounds like nothing I’ve ever heard before, this rumbling greyish tone that shifts up into something more colorful about halfway through the track. (Click here to buy it from Amazon.)

We Will Become A Happy Ending

Page France “Chariot” – I probably should have waited until after the leaves turned to put up this song, but hey, I’m low on postable material (truth is, most of the stuff I’m very excited about at the moment is megapopular – Kanye, Mike Jones, Paul Wall, Missy Elliott, that Fall Out Boy hit), and it’s close enough to the autumn either way. Kids are back in school now, and though I’m well out of school by now, I just moved to a new place and I’m getting the same sort of “it’s a brand new era” feeling that I used to get at the start of fall semesters. It’s a cautious sort of optimism, and this is a cautiously optimistic sort of song. (Click here to pre-order it from Fall Records.)

The String Quartet Tribute To Madonna “Ray Of Light” – As regular readers of this site surely know by now, I have an enduring fascination with string adaptations of pop songs, particularly those released on the Vitamin Records label. As a rule, whenever the session musicians and/or producers attempt to mimic a studio effect from the original recording, it normally results in something quite awful that distracts from the appeal of a string quartet arrangement and just seems lame and pointless. A good case in point would be the version of “Undone (The Sweater Song)” from Vitamin’s Weezer tribute – some pointless overdrive distortion is added as it hits the chorus, and the whole thing derails, not just because the effect sounds corny, but because every other “hit the fuzz pedal” moment on most every other string tribute they’ve made (including the Weezer one!) does not bother to be so pedantic and obvious.

This adaptation of Madonna’s “Ray Of Light” is the one exception that I’ve encountered to date. The approximation of the vaguely psychedelic electronic effects from the original end up sounding a thousand times stranger in this context, as the tones flutter, oscillate, clang, and warp in the red in a way that seems very fresh to my ears, especially as it contrasts with the straight playing on the main melodic motifs. I’d love to see some smart band run with some of the ideas presented in this arrangement. (Click here to buy it from Amazon.)

Step Right On The Beat

Royksopp “49 Percent (Ewan Pearson Glass Half Full Remix)” – It’s interesting how this guy’s voice is so pretty that it’s actually sort of ugly. This is the Adult Contemporary voice, the kind of singing that generally registers for me as being smug and emotionally vacant in spite of its treacly surface sentimentality. I’ve heard so much of that music over the years that when the vocal style pops up in a genuinely moving song such as this one, there’s a sort of disconnect in my mind that I have to work at to reconcile, especially when that style is so perfectly matched to the melody and general tone of the piece. (Click here to pre-order it from Amazon UK.)

Love Is All “Felt Tip” – Back in February, I posted a different, sparser and more melancholy version of this track. I have no idea what the deal with that recording is at the moment – demo? live radio session? – but this is the officially released single version. The composition loses some of its ambience, but gains a tighter, more dynamic structure that only serves to enhance the essential romance of the song. (Click here to buy it from Smashing Time.)

Never Expect To Be Sure Of Who You’re Working For

Metric “Police and the Private” – At her best, Emily Haines has an incredible gift for zeroing in on faults, and articulating her critique with pithy one-liners that set things in their place like the lyrical equivalent of a withering stare. But instead of going after easy targets like right wing hawks and boring emo boys as she did on the first Metric record, she’s now lamenting all the loneliness in the world, and it seems as though she’s taking it out mostly on herself. It takes some real talent (or maybe just a lot of empathy) to make angsty complaining sound more like a broad critique. (Click here to pre-order it from Amazon.)

Quintron & Miss Pussycat “Shoplifter” – Quintron and Miss Pussycat are among the more than one million people from New Orleans who have had their homes and worldly possessions destroyed by Katrina. I did not select this track for that reason – I didn’t discover this bit of information until after I picked the song and had to go looking for a store or an official site – but it’s certainly timely. The Tigerbeat6 site has some information on how you can help them out, which is great, and I hope that some people go ahead and do just that. If you have the means to help anyone directly effected by this catastrophe, you really ought to. I feel very guilty about having so little to give at the moment. (Click here for the official Quintron & Miss Pussycat site.)

Hermit Kingdom

Jackson and His Computer Band “Hard Tits” – I have no idea what Jackson was thinking of when he arrived at the title “Hard Tits” for this song, but it’s kinda perfect, as this track sounds almost like it could be the soundtrack to some cheesy Cinemax softcore sex scene. But, you know, good. It’s one part elegance, two parts decadence. It’s music for sexy villains. (Click here to buy it from Warp.)

Excerpt from Radio Pyongyang “New Model Army” – Christiaan Virant’s Radio Pyongyang compilation/collage for the Sublime Frequencies label is a fascinating, impressionistic peak into the pop culture of Kim Jong-il’s North Korea, shifting from corny North Korean pop with apparently jingoistic lyrics to recordings from People’s Army television dramas, Mass Games demonstrations, fragments from numbers stations, and clips of news broadcasts in Korean and English. (Click here to buy it from Ear-Rational.)

A Crazy Energy Burning

Spektrum “May Day” – This is the sort of song that gives me trouble, at least in terms of writing for this site. It blows me away so much that I can’t concentrate enough to string together any sort of blurb, even something sort of half-assed. When I’m hearing something this exciting, my thoughts are just a long string of exclamation points. It’s so good that it just short-circuits my critical faculties altogether. This is the reason why when I go back through old entries, many of my favorite songs that I’ve ever posted here have relatively terrible write-ups. (Click here to buy it from Juno.)

The Research “I Love You, But…” – There’s got to be thousands of songs that say more or less the same thing, but The Research cut straight to the point without dressing it up in bad poetry: “I love you, but I’m scared of fucking up.” Still, that doesn’t make it any easier on an emotional level – if anything, being so incredibly earnest and straightforward only sharpens the sting. (Click here to buy it from Amazon UK.)

It’s Hard To Find A Pearl In The Heart Of A Girl

Junior Senior “Take My Time” – Much of the new Junior Senior record is exactly what you might expect from them, which isn’t a bad thing at all, but sorta feels that way when it’s contrasted with this track.. It’s not exactly worlds apart from what they normally do, but the over the top tweeness is dialed down considerably, they pass the mic to an unknown woman (I have no liner notes, sorry) and the result is something like Off The Wall-era Michael Jackson with vocals by Kate Pierson from the B52s. (Edit: It actually is Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson from the B52s!) Excellent stuff, and not nearly as selfconciously joycore as the rest of the songs from the album. (Click here to pre-order it from HMV Japan.)

Blood on the Wall “Mary Susan” – I worry sometimes that my response to faux-Kim Deal/Krist Novaselic basslines like the one in this song is strictly Pavlovian, and I’m just conditioned from my youth to immediately love most anything that sounds like it. I know this isn’t totally true, but it’s amazing how much this brand new song can make me feel like I’m back in 1994, drawing pictures in my bedroom and rewinding songs on tape over and over again. I knew that this song would eventually end up here from back when I saw Blood on the Wall play it live when they opened for the Fiery Furnaces back in the spring – it was just that potent and immediate for me. I guess there’s always been a void in my life waiting to be filled by a song that sounds almost exactly like Doolittle-era Pixies being performed by Mudhoney. (Click here to buy it from Smartpunk.)

Twenty Four Hours A Day I’ll Give You Love

Excerpt from Annie’s DJ Kicks – Bumblebee Unlimited “Lady Bug (I Wanna Be Your)” / Annie “Gimme Your Money” – There are no big surprises on Annie’s DJ Kicks, but that’s very good news actually. Aside from Bow Wow Wow’s “I Want Candy,” there aren’t any obvious/ubiquitous selections, but I’m sure that most fans of Annimal will recognize quite a bit from this mix, especially if they’ve been reading this blog over the past few years – three songs have appeared here in the recent past, and several other artists have been featured here, but for different songs. (Bless her heart, she even included my favorite ESG song!) I’d never heard this Bumblebee Unlimited track before, but it’s a total disco gem, and it flows very naturally into a funky new Annie track exclusively recorded for this mix. Nicely done. (Click here for the K7 DJ Kicks site.)

Vanessihna & Alessandra “Gira” – This is Brazillian funk, and as such, it’s very physical and sexual, but at the same time, there’s this very childlike feeling in the melody, and the singer sounds as though she’s no older than fourteen years old. It’s vaguely creepy, but it serves to lighten the tone from outright lechery to something closer to flirtatious frivolity. (Click here to buy it from Essay Recordings.)

2004 / 2003 / 2002

8:00 Green Day start the show off with “Blvd. Of Broken Dreams.” Billy Joe Armstrong looks sorta like a hot goth chick. Or Liza Minelli.

8:05 Diddy is clearly making a bid to be the black Hugh Hefner. We are told that we must follow his instructions by a sexy female computer voice.

8:07 Diddy emerges! Hopefully they will use the chamber below him to freeze someone in carbonite later in the show.

8:08 Fuck a monologue! Diddy’s gonna rap!

8:09 “There’s only one host tonight!” And it’s Jesus?

8:10 Now there’s some Cirque de Soleil thing going on. Chicks in white dangling from toilet paper! There’s a strange churchy vibe going on here.

8:11 Fuck a monologue! Diddy’s gonna dance!

8:12 Why is Nelly wearing a Batman t-shirt from the movie with Val Kilmer? Why is Lindsay Lohan wearing a glittery chain mail tunic?

8:13 What’s with the Donnie Darko water snakes being shot into the videos?

8:14 My girl Kelly Clarkson wins! Kanye gets a win for “Jesus Walks.” Kelly is posse-less and looks like an Oscar statuette.

8:16 Kanye West is bragging about paying for his own music video, seemingly oblivious to the fact that virtually every artist in the music industry does that!

8:17 Who is the more reassuring presence: Kurt Loder, or Butthead?

8:22 Time to start playing Count The Crucifixes. Kanye had two, Missy’s got one, and Ciara has a big skinny one, but it’s more like a plus sign.

8:24 Ludacris and Bobby Valentino perform “Pimpin’ All Over The World” with a wedding band.

8:27 And now it’s like Epcot Center if it was managed by Lil Jon.

8:28 Wait, it’s monologue time now? “The theme of tonight is anything can happen.”

8:29 Diddy proves this by giving a watch to some guy in the audience, presumably his bling manager.

8:32 Kirsten Dunst is looking cute in her little bathrobe thing.

8:34 Green Day win best rock video, though I would’ve given it to My Chemical Romance.

8:35 Awwwww, poor Good Charlotte guy. Nothing makes a man look more hangdog than little metal nubbins on the sides of his mouth.

8:39 Diddy’s got another crucifix.

8:40 DANCE OFF!

8:42 Okay, no Dance Off, just a lot of dancing.

8:43 “Secret peformer” MC Hammer is performing a new version of “U Can’t Touch This”! And it’s not bad! And it’s over as soon as it begins.

8:44 Ashlee and Jessica Simpson are here, but even with Ashlee’s new blonde hair, they still don’t really look much alike. Jessica is wearing a hideous, super trashy outfit, but that’s not much of a shocker.

8:46 Alicia Keys wins and does her best to seem even remotely charismatic.

8:47 Jessica Alba and Dwayne Wade (eschewing a crucifix for a dog tag) are here to bring out Shaquille O’Neal for no apparent reason. It’s very hard to keep Alba and Shaq in the same frame.

8:50 Shakira is here to lip synch in Spanish and slink around. With the damaged hair and leathery skin, she’s looking a bit like Sheryl Crow. It seems as though she’s threatening to shake her pants right off.

9:00 Usher emerges from the fountain. He’s here to bring us some clowning and krumping.

9:03 Missy and Ciara win for best dance video, but must first traverse the garden sprinkler system. They’ve got a Pope and Nun look going on together.

9:05 Eric Roberts???

9:07 R. Kelly is going to perform a one-man show version of “Trapped In The Closet.”

9:08 Wait, what? This is just clips from the video crudely edited together…

9:10 This is more like it. It’s still a shame that he’s lip synching, but it’s somehow way more funny this way. He’s acting out all the parts himself and making faces. This is sort of classic. Avant garde, even! It’s something that must be seen to be believed. “Kathy says Rufus says Kathy says Chuck says Rufus says Rufus says Kathy!”

9:12 Crucifix watch – R. Kelly strikes the Jesus Christ pose.

9:13 “Trapped In The Closet” spoiler alert: Chuck goes back to his wife. Very disappointing.

9:20 Diddy explains the evolution of his name. Zzzzzzzzzz.

9:22 The Killers perform “Mr. Brightside” by a pool in a Melrose Place-ish courtyard. They aren’t even allowed to perform inside of the building, keeping up with tonight’s tone of subtle segregation, as though the white male performers and presenters are only there as a compromise. Apparently white guys can only be on MTV now if they wear eyeliner.

9:27 Jeremy Piven and Lil Kim engage in light banter, possibly because Piven asked to be paired with someone, anyone who would make him seem tall.

9:29 Ludacris wins best video for his Austin Powers thing! Okay, sure. Good news for Mike Myers, I guess.

9:31 Butthead explains tonight’s water theme. I now realize that Napoleon Dynamite is really just a lame Butthead impression.

9:38 Diddy conducts an orchestra playing along to an a cappella video of Biggie doing “Juicy.” It doesn’t really work.

9:42 Common freestyles at the behest of Johnny Knoxville. Fall Out Boy win the MTV2 award. Amazingly, I never caught that their name is a Simpsons reference until it was pointed out to me tonight. I’m not sure how that happened.

9:52 It’s time for the reggaeton appetizer sampler platter. In this context, Daddy Yankee’s “Gasolina” is the mozarella sticks.

9:57 Missy Elliott wins best hip hop video.

9:59 Diddy dresses down for a moment in his New Negro t-shirt.

10:00 Coldplay perform “Fields of Gold” “Speed of Sound.” Int

eresting to note that MTV is going against their own conventions this year by forcing the bands to play their big recent hit, and not their new singles. I find this somewhat disappointing, because you know, we already have a Grammys.

10:10 Ricky Martin and Joss Stone. Dull.

10:12 Kelly Clarkson wins for best pop video, as she should. Kelly is back in rock gear, thankfully. She’s much cuter that way.

10:13 Kanye West and Jamie Foxx perform “Gold Digger.” Kanye’s red pocket square is a nice touch with the black and white suit – most everyone else is going for the dual colors, but this adds a bit of Jack White-ness to things.

10:24 Snoop Dogg brings out Dane Cook to do some stand-up, presumably because his comedy cd is a surprise hit and the producers wanted to seem as current as possible. I don’t like this fratboy turbodouche at all.

10:28 The Killers win for best new artist. Man, I can’t believe My Chemical Romance is being totally shut out tonight. They seem to be the only band nominated who actually made a really great video.

10:30 I am growing very weary of Diddy at this point in the show. Gwen Stefani and Snoop Dogg have won some kind of raffle.

10:32 Eva Longoria is dressed as a giant cameltoe. Viewers with HDTV are treated to a topographic map of Eva’s vulva.

10:33 Mariah Carey performs “Shake It Off” on a platform above a pool. She seems a little nervous about moving for fear of falling into the pool full of mermen.

10:36 Mariah switches to “We Belong Together” and stands around on a throne. She moves slowly and deliberately between poses, like a human Barbie doll.

10:46 Gorillaz win for breakthrough video.

10:47 50 Cent has a HUGE crucifix. He has baggy black leather trousers that look sort of like a very expensive Hefty bag.

10:59 Diddy insists that he loves rock and roll music and brings out My Chemical Romance for an unannounced performance. They’ve got a lovely goth girl twirling around onstage who I assume is meant to represent Helena.

11:02 Green Day win the viewer’s choice award, but this is not exciting at all because they kept showing the results all through the evening, and they were always winning by a large margin. How is that that Billy Joe looks ten years younger than he did in 1995?

11:12 I’m not very clear on the concept of having presenters introduce other presenters. That’s some warped matryoshka doll logic. Jamie Foxx brings out Destiny’s Child, who are here to announce the video of the year nominees.

11:15 Green Day win best video for “Blvd. of Broken Dreams.”

11:17 Diddy is back with a crucifix and a God Is The Greatest t-shirt.

11:18 Kelly Clarkson performs a truly wonderful version of “Since U Been Gone,” and the show ends on a high point. Well, really, the only high point. Unfortunately the Alligator, Walrus, and Tiger are not present.

11:20 Kelly is soaking wet! Is this meant to be a shout out to the hurricane?

11:23 And it’s over.

(Co-written by Todd from The Face Knife.)