MTV Video Music Awards 2004 Play By Play

2003 / 2002

7:19 I have the pre-show on in the background. My enthusiasm for the actual awards show is at an all-time low, mostly due to a deeply lackluster line-up of performers, but I can barely pay attention to this pre-show thing. Ashlee Simpson is performing her single right now, and I just don’t care one way or another. I can’t bring myself to even pretend to care about this girl. Her sister at least has the retarded Barbie doll thing and the hilariously histrionic singing voice going for her. There’s just nothing going on here.

7:23 Ashlee has given some of her time to a mall punk band called New Found Glory. Zzzzzz.

7:25 Sway whoops it up like somebody doing a lame Randy Jackson impression. John Norris (who, like Kurt Loder, is brought out like MTV’s fine china at these things) is talking to P. Diddy, who looks like a high society version of Mr. T.

7:41 Wow, Jay-Z looks great. He feels “very vindicated.” They are hyping him up tonight, making his victory in every category seem like an inevitability.

8:00 J Lo begins the show with a…speech.

8:01 Usher performs “Confessions.” This is not even a little bit exciting. Usher is pretty much as big a star as one can be outside of modern rock without having any charisma whatsoever. Usher is only big now because all the big guns didn’t put out records this year. His hugeness is an entirely default thing.

8:03 Usher is looking at himself all wet in the mirror!

8:04 Now he’s doing “Yeah” and it’s just, eh. Snore. Catchphrase song of the year. This is theoretically a medley, but without all of those pesky transitions. Dullest MTV awards opening EVER!

8:07 Will Smith is here to remind us that he had a hit called “Miami.” Now he wants to “give something back.” He’s stalling. Is he just killing time?

8:09 Wait…Will Smith is here to present a presenter? Wha?

8:10 Shaq is here. We know this, because there is a wall of digital flame spelling out his name. Now people are throwing around white towels or something. What is going on? Is this meant to be exciting? Is there a significance to the white towels? Does it symbollize surrender to the…tallness?…of Shaq?

8:13 Way too many techical difficulties! This is such a mess so far.

8:14 No Doubt wins best pop video. Gwen looks adorable.

8:20 Jay-Z wins an award for “99 Problems”, which is no big shocker.

8:23 If this was Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and Shakira was a demon, you’d kill her by smashing that big silver shiny thing on her chest.

8:25 Jet performs. Dullness ensues. At least the mod dancers are cute. Nothing can stop this from being the poor man’s White Stripes.

8:31 Did they put all the rock songs in a row on purpose? The rock ghetto? Hoobastank performs “The Reason,” the worst rock hit of 2004. “I’m not a purrrfect puuuuurson.” Ugh. Hoobadude is totally tone-deaf, too.

8:32 The rock block goes on, this time with Yellowcard, who are this year’s Blink 182. Borrrring. This makes Jet seem incredibly great in comparison.

8:37 Jon Stewart! This is not his venue at all, but it’s nice to see him.

8:38 I thought that they announced Bill Murray, but it turns out to be some black dude that I’ve never heard of. Eva Mendes is here, apparently on leave from the set of Romancing The Stone III. Who is that black guy? Is he famous? Is he meant to be amusing?

8:40 Beyonce wins. What do you say about Beyonce? Her outfit is insane. It’s all boobs, legs, and hair. No, not hair. Mane. It’s all about mane.

8:43 Kanye West performs “Jesus Walks.” Can anyone out-pompous this tonight?

8:45 They switch to “All Falls Down” now. Major improvement. Kanye looks fabulous, by the way.

8:47 Chaka Khan is here to do the intro to “Through The Wire.” Nice. I approve. So do Beyonce and Jay-Z, who are grooving politely.

8:55 Missy is back from a safari or something. Xtina looks supercute.

8:56 Usher wins, somehow besting Jay-Z.

8:57 Shut up, Usher!

9:00 Kerry daughters: kinda cool, I guess. Bush daughters: dim, passive aggressive.

9:02 Thankfully, Lenny Kravitz has lost the long flat-ironed hair. Now he’s 2% less douchey.

9:04 Alicia Keys wins for best R+B video, and she deserves it. “If I Ain’t Got You” is a very good song.

9:12 Dave Chappelle is here! Deliver us from mediocrity, Dave!

9:14 Chappelle is squandered.

9:16 Okay, it’s crunk time. I’m just not that into the crunk.

9:18 I swear to God, they just showed a bunch of day traders in suits going crazy to “Lean Back”! Best shot of the night.

9:20 Maybe not! Bruce Willis and P Diddy are dancing together now!

9:23 Owen Wilson and Gwen Stefani give Jet a rock award. Nnn.

9:32 Those creepy Olsen twins bring out Jessica Simpson. Hasn’t she been married for about two years now? What’s with the wedding imagery? Does she exist primarily to boost the wedding industry? Is this part of a program to get little girls fixated on marriage to counter trends in young people getting hitched later in life? Either way, her voice is all over the place. She’d never make it on American Idol.

9:37 D-12 (minus Eminem) and two of the guys from Good Charlotte are here to present the award for best video game soundtrack, even though video games are not part of MTV’s regular programming. Welcome to the horrifying future.

9:44 Gap ad. Sarah Jessica Parker shaking her boney ass as though she’s a voluptuous sex bomb = DUD, Lenny Kravitz looking as though he’s been attacked by the dudes from Queer Eye = DUDDER.

9:49 Will Forte is the funniest thing about this show so far, and they didn’t even announce that he’s there. He’s right, Jimmy Fallon is a “complete turd.”

9:51 Wayne Coyne emerges in a bubble!

9:52 Outkast wins best hip hop for “Hey Ya!” I shouldn’t be surprised that Andre 3000 looks great, but somehow I am still wowed.

9:55 Xtina is looking really hot, and this song with Nelly is fantastic. No complaints here.

9:57 I officially really love this song. Is it going to be on her next album?

10:08 Oh come on, another award for Usher? At least the Black Eyed Peas didn’t win. Britney, Beyonce, Missy: robbed!

10:12 LL Cool J has tv screens on the chests of two models standing behind him, promoting his new album.

10:13 Alicia Keys peforms “If I Ain’t Got You.” Nice, but someone needs to tap her on the shoulder and let her know that she isn’t Stevie Wonder, no matter what Clive Davis says.

10:15 Oh wait, now Stevie Wonder is actually there!

10:16 Oooooh, “Higher Ground” now! Pretty awesome, even with Lenny Kravitz on stage.

10:17 Shut up, Lenny!

10:27 Whoa, Ashlee Simpson’s hair looks hideous! Bad call, stylists!

10:28 First video games, now skateboards? I am so not a part of this target demo.

10:30 Maroon 5 beat Kanye for best new artist? Weird upset.

10:37 Alicia Keys pays tribute to Ray Charles, which is nice, but not particularly entertaining.

10:44 The Beastie Boys are here to present the MTV2 award. Yellowcard win, beating out Franz Ferdinand, Modest Mouse, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Elephant Man. This category makes no sense at all. The guy from Yellowcard looks like Alan Cumming playing Eminem in a tv movie.

10:45 Mandy Moore and Marilyn Manson introduce the Polyphonic Spree. Neat! People from all over the nation are probably confused by this Polyphonic Spree performance. Is America truly ready for an adorable joycore choir?

10:53 Dave Chappelle is back, thank God.

10:54
Tribute to Jay Hova!

10:58 JoJo is remarkably composed and professional for a 13 year old girl. I think that J Lo is controlling her body by proxy.

11:00 Linkin Park get the Viewer’s Choice award. Don’t blame me, I voted for Xtina!

11:01 I’m pretty sure that I mentioned this last year, but Linkin Park really seem like a bunch of IT guys.

11:07 Gwyneth Paltrow is looking pretty great post-pregnancy. Video of the year time. It’s got to be Jay-Z, right?

11:08 No, Outkast. Makes sense though, given that “Hey Ya” is the biggest hit of the century to date.

11:10 Amy Lee’s music is lousy, but she sure is adorable. John Mellancamp wants you to vote for anyone, but we all know that’s not really true.

11:11 Andre 3000 performs “Prototype” on guitar. I remember someone telling me that this song sounds like the Smashing Pumpkins, and yeah, you know what? It does. It’s like a smooth soul version of “Mayonaise” from Siamese Dream.

11:13 Beyonce grooves along earnestly.

11:14 Big Boi is here with “The Way You Move.” I’d prefer “The Rooster,” but okay.

11:15 Now it’s “Ghettomusick.” Good choice.

11:16 “And for the millionth time, “Hey Ya,” goddamnit!”

11:18 People are skipping off to vote on stage as though it’s the happiest thing ever. Voting is a party!

11:20 Wow, they actually have the nerve to cut off “Hey Ya” at the breakdown – the best part of the song!

11:22 I appreciate all of the pro-voting sentiment in the show tonight, but I really wish that everyone would be a little less non-partisan.

Eh. The show is over. I don’t think that it was the worst MTV VMAs ever (that’s probably the one with the two Wayans from the Scary Movie series), but it’s definitely in the bottom three. This was mostly a pretty big waste of my time.