August 30th, 2002 4:22am
MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS 2002 PLAY BY PLAY
More MTV Awards
You can find more amusing MTV awards write-ups on these blogs – Dilettantism, Vain Selfish And Lazy, and best of all, I Know My First Name Is Jim.
7:58
The guy who plays Tony Soprano opens the show by introducing Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band, who start yowling “The Rising” in the rain. Pretty typical Bruce, take it or leave it. Very bombastic. Very SERIOUS. Very something-that-MTV-is-doing-cos-we-need-to-remember-9/11. There are millions of kids all over the United States who are eating snack chips and talking amongst themselves waiting for the real show to start, I’m sure. All of the people on Bruce’s stage look dour and pained, surely thinking to themselves “WE ARE DOING THIS FOR AMERICA! AMERICA NEEDS US!”
8:05
Jimmy Fallon enters in Eminem-as-Robin drag and does a parody of “Without Me”. Then he goes on and does similar parodies of The White Stripes, Avril Lavigne, Nelly, Enrique Iglesias, Dave Matthews, during which Jimmy gets tackled by a fat man in a red shirt. The skit ends with James Brown coming out on stage to help Jimmy out, and there are giant screens blinking the name “James Brown” for all the people who might not know who he is.
8:15
Britney Spears is in a dominatrix outfit! She introduces Michael Jackson, who appears to have joined a superhero team. He’s getting an “artist of the millenium” award for some reason. His voice has deepened a LOT. He does NOT sound himself. He’s gained weight. Maybe he’s not shed the weight from having his third child. This is deeply disturbing, like a scary dream. Everyone in the audience looks uncomfortable and confused, and so am I.
8:20
Brit-Dom gives No Doubt the first real award. I think Gwen is wearing a giant motorcycle seat as a dress.
9:26
A skanked-out Jennifer Love Hewitt introduces Pink, who performs her new single on a sofa. This song is like late 80s Cher. In fact, Pink is DRESSED like late 80s Cher, but without the g-string and gothed up considerably. It’s pretty dominatrix-y too – after Britney’s outfit and Gwen’s black leather, it seems like we might have a full-on new trend going on here.
8:30
Kylie and Enrique Iglesias give Mary J. Blige an award for “No More Drama”. Mary’s in leather too, but not very s+m – it’s more like ‘big game hunter’ or something. Mary brings up 9/11.
8:33
The Osbournes talk about the Viewer Choice Awards nominees. Sharon can’t pronounce “Iglesias” – “In-glaaaay-zee-aaaace”. It’s funny.
8:38
Mary Kate and Ashley Olson, the pedophile’s version of the Hilton sisters, give the “breakthrough video” award to The White Stripes, who are cute beyond all belief. They are easily the best dressed people in the building, Jack is in a white tux with a red shirt, and Meg’s in a simple red dress.
8:42
B2K introduce Nas, Ashanti, and Ja Rule, who perform “Always On Time” with a 20s motif. Ja Rule looks very handsome in a tux, but still seems like he’s just sexually harassing Ashanti on the street. Nas performs “One Mic”, and it’s really great, very intense. “We need peace in hip hop music!”, he shouts at the end.
8:48
Anthony Kiedis and Brittany Murphy give Dashboard fucking Confessional the MTV2 viewer’s choice award. I hate these guys.
8:56
The Jackass guys (in fake hipster white trash clothes/facial hair) present best rap video to Eminem. Nas was robbed!
9:04
Two guys each from P.O.D. and Linkin Park come out and give the best hip hop video (which is now distinct from ‘best rap’ for some reason) award to J. Lo and Ja Rule for “I’m Real”. J. Lo is dressed surprisingly conservatively, but has had something terrible done to her hair – it’s like she had a perm, slept on it, and then put on the dress.
9:09
Kate Hudson and Heath Ledger introduce Shakira, who does what can only be called an “ass dance”, and then does a rocking song which is really crazy and wild. She’s pretty nutty onstage. Kinda savage, really, like if you went up to her, she might bite your fingers.
9:10
Jimmy Fallon does a simultaneous Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkelman impression, and introduces Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson. Paula makes a fool of herself. Justin “Bobo” Guarini and Kelly “Pure Unholy Evil” Clarkson present the best new artist award to Avril Lavigne, who apparently only has one pair of clothes, like a cartoon character.
9:30
David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar, who are both painful to watch, present the best rock video to Linkin Park. Linkin Park lack charisma entirely.
9:34
Mike Meyers introduces Eminem, who performs a big theatrical version of “White America” as a President giving a State of the Union Address, with an entire Senate and Congress of old white guy actors. Unfortunately, he rips off his clothes and performs his awful new single “Cleaning Out My Closet”. Does Eminem have any idea what the implications that title phrase has, especially in the context of “I’m sorry, mama”; or is he intentionally playing with the “is he gay or isn’t he” angle?
9:47
Carson Daly does a little tribute to Lisa Lopes. After many tears from the surviving members of TLC, Carson presents the best group video award to No Doubt. It’s a very disturbing shift, frankly. Looking at Gwen again, it seems like her skirt is far more complex than I had thought – it’s like motorcycle leather, all in bows, buckled to her crotch. Very peculiar.
9:58
Run DMC, who seem to have a career based entirely on appearing on this show every year, introduce P. Diddy who performs an over-the-top stage production of every recent Bad Boy hit he can squeeze into a four minutes. The weirdest part is when he does “Pass The Courvosier” with Busta Rhymes and back up dancers who are apparently outfitted with shin guards and laser-tag vests. Then Pharell comes out, and there’s a million guys jumping around on bungee cords. It’s pretty out of control, it looked like a playstation game on stage.
10:05
Avril Lavigne and Lisa Marie Presley present best female video to Pink, which let me down because I was hoping to see more of either Brit-Dom or that crazy Shakira. Pink proclaims onstage that she’s “too drunk for this”, and looks like she’s going to pass out. Pink makes 1995-era Courtney Love seem really with-it and lucid.
10:15
J. Lo brings out Rudy Guiliani to applause, and some boos. Rudy talks about NYC and 9/11, and introduces Sheryl Crow. She performs a ballad with NYC/patriotic post-9/11 imagery on screens behind her. The song is an over-serious bombastic dirge, with a full string section. It’s very tasteless, I think.
10:28
Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog torments Moby and Eminem.
10:30
Christina Aguilera is apparently dressed up as a deceased 80s Lower East Side whore, with a nose ring. It’s amazing how she is able to make herself look trashier and trashier, by now this just shouldn’t be possible, you know? She presents the best male award to Eminem, who is obviously reluctant to go onstage with her. It looks like he’s being forced to talk to a drunk ex-girlfriend at a party. A large portion of the audience starts to boo at him, because he is threatening to attack Moby from the podium. Eminem is a very humorless man when he is not rapping.
10:34
Kirsten Dunst and Jimmy Fallon introduce the Hives, who do a good Monkees vs. Stones vs Stooges three-way impression with “Main Offender”. They’ve got the “The Hives Are Law. You Are Crime” slogan on screens in the background, which is cool.
10:37
The Vines come out right after the Hives finish and perform “Get Free”, which is catchier than the Hives song, but is pretty much just Silverch
air Part II. They trash their equipment as they finish, just like good ol’ Kurt would have.
10:46
Brandy introduces Justin Timberlake, who premieres his new single with a live band performing on a giant boom box. It starts out with acoustic guitars and that Neptunes beat. I already like this song, it’s very appealing. It’s the Michael Jackson that people want, not the monstrosity from the first hour. Clipse comes out and rhymes with an “I’m Your Pusha” t-shirt. Justin is far more sexual onstage than he usually is. The beat changes up, this really nice hypnotic beat, and Justin exits.
10:52
Jimmy Fallon does a skit as Lance Bass in space, but get this – he’s actually doing a Will Ferrell-as-sleazy-bastard impression. It’s really strange. The remainder of N’Sync (including Justin, who’s clearly trying to make it known that he’s still with them, even though he shouldn’t be) present the viewer’s choice award to Michelle Branch.
11:03
Nelly and Kelly Osbourne present video of the year, and Eminem beats out the White Stripes who rightfully deserve the award. (Well, actually, no – Weezer deserves it for “Keep Fishin'”) Eminem is solemn and succinct.
11:07
Jimmy Fallon introduces Guns N’ Roses with incredible, contagious enthusiasm. Axl and his new hired hands perform “Welcome To The Jungle”. Axl looks terrible, he’s got braids, his old voice is gone. They break into what I think must be a brand new song, and it’s very, very lame. It’s vaguely industrial, the keyboard riff reminds me of some of the worst Eminem backing tracks. It’s really sad how poor his voice has become – it’s like he’s an Axl impersonator with half of the old Axl’s range. Finally, they end the show with “Paradise City”, which is probably a better way to go out than with that lousy new tune. Axl’s new band is really embarassing to watch, by the way – it’s like a whole band of that robot fella who was fired from Limp Bizkit for liking Radiohead too much.
11:16
Kurt Loder post-show interviews Jimmy Fallon, who is jumping around in glee after seeing GNR, who he clearly loves. Then Axl tells Kurt that Chinese Democracy STILL isn’t done, and probably won’t be out for a while because they are STILL recording.