MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS 2003 PLAY BY PLAY!

7:58

It would be great if the “secret opening” involved Ol Dirty Bastard. Especially if MTV didn’t know about it in advance.

8:00

Oh. Britney! “Like A Virgin”! YES YES YES

I like the way Britney’s singing this.

8:01

And Christina! Christina looks cuter in bridal gear than Britney. It’s probably the goth hair. The “Boy Toy” belt thing doesn’t hurt. Britney is prettier, but that outfit isn’t flattering her.

The Fab Five are loving this!

8:02

Aw man. Why did they stop so soon? Madonna is here now, and she’s singing “Hollywood.” Whatever.

8:03

Madonna kissed Britney and Christina. I guess that’ll make the papers, even though it’s pretty boring.

Now Missy’s here. That’s good news. Are we supposed to pretend that we all love this “Hollywood” song? I mean, it’s okay, but it’s rather subpar compared to most every other Madonna dance pop single.

8:06

Chris Rock is here. He’s riffing on easy targets, but it’s funny. “50 took more shots to the face than Jenna Jameson!”

8:14

LeBron James and Ashanti are here to advertise Sprite, or something. LeBron (and I don’t really know who he is, he’s a basketball player, I guess) is wearing a hideous Bob Marley/Lion t-shirt. They’ve got to sic Carson Kressley on this guy.

8:17

Missy Elliot wins best Hip Hop video for “Work It.” She is wearing a tux/tracksuit with a sequined hat and tie. (Or are those diamonds?)

8:25

And we’re back. Tony Hawk and some guy from Jackass are on now. They’re here to introduce Good Charlotte. Their song is pretty boring, but it’s not really offensive. They sound exactly like Blink 182, but they look as though a Hot Topic threw up all over them. Every generation of middle school kids gets their own Green Day, I suppose.

8:30

Kelly Clarkson and Ludacris are here.

I hope that “Ignition (Remix)” wins this category, but Beyonce will probably win instead.

8:32

Yup, Beyonce wins.

I’m not crazy about Beyonce’s outfit. It’s too damn puffy. But she’s lovely otherwise.

8:39

Evanescence and Sean Paul are introducing the “best video from a film.” From left: goon, cute goth girl, worst singer currently on the radio. Sean Paul did a couple songs in the pre-show thing. It’s amazing how tuneless this guy is.

8:40

What a shocker! Eminem wins for “Lose Yourself.” He’s with his life partner and 50 Cent. Nothing special here, move right along.

8:42

Ugh. Crank Yankers.

8:48

Nelly and Murphy Lee are out now. They’re basically just talking about asses.

8:49

Xtina! Redman! “Dirrty!” This should be craaaaaazy, god willing.

8:50

Gothtina emerges!

8:51

I definitely approve of her new goth/dom/fetish look (even if she’s a bit too tan to be convincingly goth), but y’know, this just isn’t craaaazy enough.

8:52

Dave Navarro! It’s “Fighter” time! “Black Cat 2003!”

It’s pretty good, but y’know, not dirrty enough. I expect more sleaze than this from Xtina.

8:54

Outkast and Iggy Pop!

Big Boi actually looks wackier than Andre.

I heart Andre 3000.

8:56

The MTV2 awards goes to A.F.I. Whatever. I mean, does anyone really expect Interpol to win things like this?

9:03

David Spade and the Olsen Twins. Boring. Those two girls clearly have the best publicist in the world.

9:04

Oh, it’s obviously time to give Justin Timberlake an award.

9:05

Yup. It most certainly is. Justin wins for “Cry Me A River.”

He looks nice in a suit. I like the grey shirt.

“This is cooler than bubblegum for me.” Okay. That at least sounds right.

9:07

P Diddy is here, with a Remember Barry White shirt.

9:08

Run DMC are here. I suspect that they have some kind of contract that ensures that they appear on this show every year for the rest of their lives. As I said last year, they do not seem to have a career aside from appearing on this show. But they are talking about Jam Master Jay, so I’m probably just being a callous prick about this.

9:10

50 Cent gets the award for Best Rap Video. Eminem is on stage too. I think he’s wearing the exact same outfit that he wore last year. I’m glad that 50 brought him out – Eminem is just not on tv nearly enough, y’know?

9:11

The voiceover just promised a “special appearance from Eminem.” That’s more like it!

9:13

Ads are on right now. Earlier during the pre-show, they kept saying that Metallica were doing some special thing at the end to celebrate the 20th anniversary of this show. I wonder what it might be. Since Metallica is one of the most humorless bands of all time, it can’t possibly be anything funny or kitschy, so I’m not sure what to expect.

9:18

Lizzie Maguire, Jason Biggs, and Lil’ John are here to introduce Best Group Video.

9:20

Coldplay wins for “The Scientist.” Chris Martin is genuinely appreciative of the fact that Justin Timberlake enjoys his music. That’s cool.

9:21

Eminem’s doing a skit with the retarded Crank Yanker puppet. He’s opened his heart to puppets since his run-in with Triumph. This skit is BOMBING. They should’ve just had a rematch with Triumph.

9:23

50 Cent performs “P.I.M.P.”

9:25

Oh good. Snoop is here to lend a helping hand. Automatically, this is now way better.

Why does that one dancing girl near Snoop look so incredibly sad? She’s just standing there, sulking, with her body limp. Someone needs to give her a hug.

9:33

The Fab Five! YES YES YES

9:34

Oh, and Jimmy Fallon is there too.

9:35

This is pretty funny, they’re basically just riffing on the fact that Jimmy could easily pass for a member of the Queer Eye cast. But Jimmy should let go of the “but really, I’m straight” thing.

Why didn’t they let Carson talk more? They should’ve just let him host this show.

9:37

Carson Kressley totally fucking rocks. He just jumped up a foot off the ground in mock euphoria.

9:38

Beyonce wins again! I didn’t catch the category. She’s thanking Jay-Z.

9:39

More Crank Yankers? Ugh ugh ugh. Is this really that popular? At least Tracy Morgan is saving this skit a little bit.

9:40

The voiceover lady just told us that we’re about to see an “unforgettable performance” from Mary J. Blige. It seems to me that whether or not something will be forgettable should ideally be determined after the event happens.

9:45

Fred Durst introduces Jack Black, who is in Michael Jackson drag. They are just goofing on Jackson’s “Artist of the Century” meltdown from last year. Eh.

9:47

C’mon, give the award to the White Stripes.

9:48

Linkin Park gets the award instead, obviously.

One of the Linkin Park guys is wearing a trucker cap. I guess he doesn’t know yet. The Asian guy in this band looks like he’s an IT dude.

9:50

DMX has a dog in night camouflage fatigues! That’s the fucking craziest thing so far tonight!

9:51

Mary J. Blige is here to bring us nonmelodic histrionics drenched in waaaay too much reverb.

Oh, but Method Man is here! As with Snoop, it’s better already.

Now 50 Cent is on stage. That doesn’t make things better, but it doesn’t make it worse either.

9:52

Mary’s at least singing a melody now. This song isn’t half bad, actually. I’ve never heard this before.

9:54

Oh come on. She’s doing “No More Drama” now? Yawn.

9:57

Three minutes after it’s over, I’ve already forgotten most of Mary J. Blige’s performance. You lied to me, voiceover lady.

9:59

Avril Lavigne, Kelly Osbourne, and Duran Duran. That actually sort of makes sense. Kelly is happy about it.

It’s time for Best Dance Video, but they are having some sound problems.

10:01

Oh, they’re giving Duran Duran a lifetime achievement award. That’s awfully nice of them.

10:03

Justin is victorious once again! This time it’s for “Rock Your Body.”

10:10

Justin is so smoothe. Now he’s here to introduce Coldplay. He loves Coldplay because they are “emotional.” He thinks they’re the Best Band In The World.

10:11

Coldplay perform “The Scientist.”

10:12

This is really nice, but this is a nice song, and it’d be hard to fuck this up. Chris Martin really does need to shave, though.

10:15

Venus and Serena Williams are here to present the award for Best Male Video.

10:17

In that one shot from the “Cry Me A River” video, Justin really looks like he’s going for a Donnie Darko look. I wonder if they intended that.

10:18

Justin wins again. Maybe he’ll dedicate this one to Sasha Frere-Jones.

10:20

No, he dedicates it to Johnny Cash instead.

10:25

Mya and Pamela Anderson are presenting now. Someone needs to fix the levels on Mya’s mic.

10:26

Best New Artist goes to 50 Cent. That’s sensible.

10:28

Pharrell and a Linkin Park guy are here to introduce someone. Linkin Park guy is proud of liking Pete Yorn. Pharrell ignores him.

10:29

It’s BEYONCE TIME!

She’s upside down!

She’s doing “Baby Boy” while being groped by weird men dressed entirely in black, head to toe! It looks like something out of The Invisibles.

This is the kind of crazy I’ve been waiting for all night. Even Sean Paul can’t ruin this!

10:31

“Crazy In Love” kicks in! W000000T!

10:32

There’s a streaker!

10:33

Jay-Z is here! She’s got her mink stole! This is just fantastic. This is showmanship!

10:40

Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore are here to present the Viewer’s Choice Award.

10:44

Good Charlotte wins. That makes sense – this was a tight race, but it seems like they have the largest number of white teen girl fans, and that’s how you win this award.

10:50

Adam Sandler, a magical pimp, and Snoop present Best Video and do “izzle” jokes that will be really, really dated soon.

10:52

Missy wins Best Video for “Work It”! This is truly Pop Justice!

I’m glad that Johnny Cash lost this.

She’s got a wacky Adidas golf suit! Nice.

10:55

Metallica do a MTV Greatest Hits riffs medley: Lenny Kravitz “Are You Gonna Go My Way”/Nirvana “Smells Like Teen Spirit”/The White Stripes “Seven Nation Army”/Michael Jackson “Beat It”

This is exactly what some people mean when they use the word “rockist.”

10:57

They’re doing their own song now. Metallica is unintentionally hilarious. They’re so serious!

The show’s over now. I’m going to get some crazy google hits with this post.